Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The air was thick with penises
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
