I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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