Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
