somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
