New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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