I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
