Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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