He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
