I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
