The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
