i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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