Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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