I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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