maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
