i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
