so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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