My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My vagina is officially offended.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
