So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
