how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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