I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
