five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she told me i tasted like america
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
