Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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