Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize