Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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