dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
