I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
