last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
