I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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