If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
