im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
