Apparently you make a good broom.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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