If i come over, it means nothing
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
