apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
