I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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