Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
