I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Drake has all the answers
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
