i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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