I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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