Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
