After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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