I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize