I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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