There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
