i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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