I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
