Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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