The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
