Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just want to make out with him forever
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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