Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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