I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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