dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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