If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
