Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
