He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I stole a fireplace last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
