i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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