Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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