I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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