Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
