if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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